read my jokes
 
it's so funny I forgot to laugh
 
                   
                   
  Waiting for Santa Snowmen and Snow-Woman

 

Read My Jokes is brought to you by:

 
  Snowman The Dentist

 

  Crash the Party Watch Carefully
Hayek Insurance
  The Seaman How Much Time Doc?  
  The Skirt Viagra's Many Uses We hope you enjoy them again and
  What's the Difference? What's Your Sign Say? again!
  Oh Nurse Pigeon Hygene  
  Never Too Old Worth a Shot! Please call us anytime for all your
  Long Time Coming Lick This! insurance needs.
  Final Confession It's My Job  
  Success! The Nightstand
(800) 860-8835
  Wanna Dance? A Fairy Tale  
  Who's Driving? A Brazilian  
  Which Door? Nookie Green  
  Hearing Check!    
  The Farmer and the Pimp  
 
  Wrong Technique  
  The Penguin  
       
       
 

Click Here for Funny Kids Jokes

   
     
     
     
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
   
       
       
       
       
       
 

 

 

 

A kid waits on line to see Santa at the mall and finally gets his turn.  He hops up on Santa’s lap and Santa asks, “What would you like for Christmas little boy?”

“I want a football!”, He replies.

Santa assures him he will get one, then he hops down and… gets right back on line again.

He waits for his turn then hops up on Santa’s lap again.  In his usual fashion, Santa asks,
“What would you like for Christmas little boy?”

Outraged, the kid yells, “Santa! You forgot already!”

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a SnowMan in your bed?
                                         

A Puddle!

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three guys try to crash a Christmas party and the host tells them they are not invited.  They beg and plead a little and the host says, well, since it’s the holidays, I’ll give you each a chance to show me something “Christmassy” and maybe I’ll let you in.

The First guy digs in his pocket and holds up a lighter.  “Candle?” he suggests.

The host shrugs his shoulders and lets him in.

The second guy digs in his pockets and finds his keys.  Jingling them he suggests, “Bells?”

“Oh all right, come on in.”

The last guy digs in his pockets only to find a pair of pink panties.

The host is not about to accept it, “What are those!?”

He says, “Uh, these are Carols”

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and the talk turns to their adventures.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. 

“How did you end up with a peg leg?” asks the seaman.
“Shark attack.” Replies the pirate.
The seaman continues to ask, “and the hook?”
“Sword fight”, he responds.
“And the eyepatch?”
“A seagull shit in my eye”.
The seaman asks, “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?”
“Well”, says the pirate, “it was my first day with a hook.”

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.      

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.      

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass.  So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"      

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"      

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?


Out-laws are wanted.

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A young lady goes to a job counselor because she can’t seem to hold down a job.

After a series of questions, he discovers that she is a helpful and caring individual, so he suggests that she tries nursing.

Looking a bit puzzled, she exposes her breast, points it at the counselor and says, “If you think it will help…”

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day an old man in a nursing home appeared to be very sad and depressed. 

The Nurse asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse," he said, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, the old man was walking down the hall with his Private Part Hanging out his pajamas, when he met the nurse.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that!  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." 

“But, Nurse, I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?????”

“Well”, he replied, “Today’s the viewing.”

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For many years, two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. One morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues, I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.  After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A young woman was on her deathbed, with her husband at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied the husband as he wiped the tears from her cheek, “I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Behind every successful man…               Is a pack of money grubbing gold diggers!

 

 

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Her father answers the door and says she is not ready yet and asks what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.' Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Hey, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies, "Yeah I know. It’s driving me nuts!"

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."

The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk!"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be going crazy the last two places said the same thing."

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."  

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?

A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes.

"I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep everytime."

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After many months at sea, a young navy man reaches the shore looking for action, but has only $20.00 to his name. 

He finds a girl & she says, “$50 for a BJ, $100 for a screw 

He says, “But all I have is $20.”

She says, “For $20, all I can give you is a penguin.”

What’s a penguin?” he asks.  “Come with me and I’ll show you”.  So he follows her into the alley and she takes the money and begins to slowly and seductively slide his pants down-- then gets up and walks away.

THIS PART MUST BE ACTED OUT TO BE RETOLD
He shuffles his feet after her, confused,

“Wait!  What’s a penguin?”

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?              

 

Snowballs!

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A hot chick walks up to the craps table and bets $20,000 on one roll of the dice.  She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”.

Of course, there are no objections, so she strips down and proceeds to shake the dice in her hand and yell, “Come on baby, Mama needs some new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, “YES, YES! I WON, I WON!

She then hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and quickly departed.  The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded.

Finally, one asked the other, “What did she roll?”

“Beats me, I thought you were watching the dice.”

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill.

After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time," the doctor says.

"That’s terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"Nine, eight. . ."

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

During science class, the teacher got on the subject of medicine, and how it can help.  She quizzed the class to test their knowledge.

The first student raised her hand and said, “Aspirin is for headaches!”

The second student said, “Vitamins are for your health!”

The third student said, “Viagra is for Diarrhea!”

Puzzled, the teacher asked how he learned that Viagra was for Diarrhea.

“Well”, he said. “My Mom gave some to my Dad and said, ‘Here honey, take these so your shit can get hard!’”

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What did the sign on the whorehouse say?

 

We’re closed. Beat It!

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

 

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One moring a man makes some advances to his wife, and she says, "Sorry honey, not today, I have an appointment with the gynocologist".

His initial disappointment turns to a viable alternative, and he asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment too?"

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The US Postal Service has just introduced a clitoris shaped stamp!

They immediately realized there was a problem because only about 8% of all men knew how to lick it.

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s the difference between your job and your wife?


After 10 years your job still sucks!

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy is having sex with a girl when he looks over at the nightstand and sees a picture of this dude.

"So just who is that?" He asks.

After a brief pause she says, " Oh, that was me, two years ago".

 

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day the fairy godmother screwed up and turned Cinderellas pussy into a pumpkin.

Boy was she mad until she met Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!

 

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE DEPT OF DEFENSE BRIEFED THE PRESIDENT THIS MORNING. THEY TOLD BUSH THAT 2 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS WERE
KILLED IN IRAQ .

TO  EVERYONE'S SURPRISE, ALL THE COLOR DRAINED FROM BUSH'S FACE, THEN HE COLLAPSED ONTO HIS DESK, HEAD IN HIS HANDS, VISIBLY SHAKEN, ALMOST IN TEARS.
 

FINALLY HE COMPOSED HIMSELF AND ASKED "JUST HOW MANY IS A  BRAZILIAN?"

Back to top

 

 

 

An  Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it  has been one month since my last confession. I had  relations  with Nookie Green twice last month."

The  priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail  Mary's."

Soon  after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two  months since my last confession. I've had  relations  with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two  months."

This  time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A  new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very  well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail  Mary's."
At  Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his  sermon, a  tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary.  The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up  the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green  and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and  altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits  with her legs slightly spread apart.

The  priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie  Green?"

The  bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No Father, I  think it's just the reflection off her  shoes.............................."

 

 

Back to top